If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
You Might Also Like
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
What number SPF blocks people?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Word!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”