Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan