Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
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I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying