Science memes
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.