“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Worth the read.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!