“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad