Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Taco Bell, Exit 22
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?