“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
fourth time’s the charm
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie