I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
You Might Also Like
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Just grow your own
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?