Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
The struggle is real
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.