Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
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Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks