It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
You Might Also Like
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.