This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
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4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
2023 was just a warmup
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My sex drive has a dui
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer