Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
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“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
*seductively eats two tums*
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….