when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Stop sending me this shit.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.