[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
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There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat