[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.