Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
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[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.