[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
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All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.