Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.