Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
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Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
waiting for halloween be like:
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.