*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
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blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.