How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.