God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
This is not me but this is me
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?