“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
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This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I’m literally crying
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.