I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
my favorite genre of twitter
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions