You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
me adding lol on a serious message
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.