While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
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8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
c’mon!
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.