Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
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No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.