REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
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lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency