Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is