Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
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I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.