I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
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“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
#Caturday
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]