Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
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I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?