I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
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“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
They also CAN sing✌️
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”