[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
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You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER