Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
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Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative