inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
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Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before