In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
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My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
termite twitter scares me
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Always