I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Damn what did I do next
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere