Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
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[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Jail
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
boat question
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.