FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I am yelling
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
mumsnet is amazing