My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
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A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.