Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.