“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Spider-cat: No One Home
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”