A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
*gets down on one knee*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here