[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
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My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Ok but actually
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
incredible
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Natty or not?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years