Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
me as a parent
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.