I know a horrible idea when I see it.
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
<- sleeps well with others
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.