If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
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me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Bring back the McRib
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.